I have a lot of reasons to be happy and work toward my happiness. However, I find myself sinking deeper into the pits of despair, now, more than ever before.

2 years ago, I moved away from almost everyone and everything that I knew. I think that I am still grieving this change. I’m baffled because I have had other opportunities to assert my independence… perhaps more lucrative opportunities… but I chose the opportunity that arose in April of 2021. I was out of Chicago, IL by July 2021.

I don’t understand how or why I am here. I am immensely grateful, but, this doesn’t negate my constant feeling of wonder. Why Lord? Why am I here? Why me?! Why am I so focused about being here right now?

I feel like I’m losing some of the pieces of myself that I truly love and admire. I don’t know how to access this new space. I am simply here. It feels like I am here all alone. 

That may be the point of it all. Being here alone. Totally and completely. I have craved this for so long yet I don’t understand what to do with all of this space. And I don’t have the keys to get in the door of the new spaces that I have cleared up. I’m not even sure the barriers that I have encountered are doors.

Maybe I am feeling overwhelmed by all this new space. Honestly, I could have the keys somewhere. I am very good at losing things. It is one of my special talents.

If I know God, like I have prayed to know God, then this is just another Emeri style of human error. I must retrace my steps. I must explore the depths of my own soul until God reminds me exactly why he brought me here.

As far as I was concerned, in this moment, heartbreak gave me the courage to step away from all that I once knew. I love the people who God has allowed me to encounter in my life. I can honestly now say that, I would not be here without the angelic nature that exists within human beings. 

I can also say that those same human beings have also cut me the deepest. Being human is walking the very thin line that lies in between those two natures. Perhaps, I was ready to explore and find more people to encounter.

Perhaps, I was a beaten and battered being who was looking for a shoulder to lean on. Perhaps I was looking for comfort and love in beings that do not contain the capacity to give me what I am seeking. I can only hope that God continues to bless me with his angelic beings. Perhaps the angelic beings who cut me did not understand that their wings are also blades.

Angels are fierce warriors. Many of the names of warriors throughout history bare the names of Angels.

Angels guard the goodness of God. Angels fight fiercely to defend the truth of every parable.

Angels do not succumb to depression. Angels cannot be defeated by oppression.

Angels are alive.
Perhaps this why.