I’ve been dancing since before I could even walk. It has ALWAYS been something that I loved to do. I am an introverted individual which makes it hard for me to verbally express myself. I have never had that issue when it came to dancing. I am the most sincere and vulnerable version of myself when I am dancing. I truly am free!

I never hesitate to dance and I was never afraid to dance, or so I thought. I am an extremely private person, believe it or not, there was a time when I was even more private than I currently am. Due to this, a lot of things have happened in my life that I’ve never vocalized. I believe that it is not only important that I vocalize the impactful occurences of my life for myself but also for those who have gone through similar life events. I hope to offer some sort of solace for just one other person. If I can do that then not only have I healed myself, but I’ve also helped to mend another.

With all of that being said, I met this guy waayy back in 2012, and I had no idea what I was in store for. Our friendship/relationship/situationship lasted until around 2015, which means that I unfortunately endured the toxic strains of a very abusive relationship for 3 years of my young adulthood. I didn’t talk about what was happening to me, which is unfortunately how my abuser kept hold of me for so long. In light of this, I am still, to this day, uncovering different wears and tears left behind by the constant manipulation, torment, and abuse.

One of the things that was a consistent weapon in his arsenal was body shaming . I was strongly encouraged to workout under the guise of him wanting to ensure that I lived as long as he does. He reassured me that he was happy with his solid 8, even though all the 9’s and 10’s were trying to grab his attention. I wasn’t allowed to wear tight dressed or anything that hugged my body just right. He didn’t like make-up so no girl of his was to wear it. He was also very vocal about the movement of my body. He made fun of the way I walked, and even restricted the way that I danced.

Which leads me back to my statement about being afraid to dance. I stopped dancing in 2012 and went on hiatus for about 2 years. I began dancing again after being urged by several DePaul University community members to join Nu’Ance Inspirational Dance Team at DePaul. Funnily enough once I began dancing again, I slowly began snap out of whatever spell blinded me from my abuse. At this time, we were officially in a relationship, therefore my boyfriend was very adamant about seeing ALL of the choreography for the team. He claimed to be worried that I was twerking on stage to entice people or something like that. Let me also inform you that at this time, I had already gained about 50 lbs since we became a “couple” in 2013 due to the subsequent stress eating, lack of sleep, depression, and anxiety. Needless to say, that not only was I confused as to why he’d think someone would want my Mrs. Potato head looking self but I was also slightly offended that he thought he had a say so in my dancing.

I stopped enjoying dance after these events. I felt like I looked disgusting due to his hurtful words, therefore I hated putting on dance uniforms and costumes. I didn’t dance with my entire body because I was afraid something would jiggle or I’d do an accidental twerk and upset my boyfriend. I spent a year half-ass dancing, to somehow make myself a little less miserable while also trying not to set off a fit of rage. It wasn’t until inspiration from a few of my teammates and friends that I realized that I wasn’t dancing like I used to. I had forgotten the empowering feeling of movement. I could no longer recall how focusing my mind on choreography silenced the rushing thoughts in my mind.

A series of other events eventually led to me finding the courage to break up with my boyfriend. I was so relieved when it was finally all over that I didn’t realize that there was a such a long journey of self-discovery ahead. I wish I could adequately explain how amazing it felt to slowly regain awareness of my own body. I had no idea that I was capable of such dazzling feats. I can do splits, flips, jumps, spins, turns, you name it *in my Shirley Caesar voice*. After I realized that, the blessing just kept rolling in. I ended up co-founding an amazing dance group at DePaul called FunDivine Dance with some of the people who were integral to my growth in dance and in my life. I am so grateful to them! I owe them everything!

To my E-Board and my team, the beautiful souls of FunDivine Dance, I love y’all so much! Thank you for inspiring me to be not only a better dancer but also a better person! Thank you for allowing me to grow into my leadership! Thank you for your beautiful talents and capabilities. Each and everyone of you have blessed my life in ways that you couldn’t imagine! Thank you for helping this Prancing Princess who was locked away in tower become a confident Dancing Queen.

Peace, Love, Soul, and Emerithing like that,

Em