She's Amazing!
Can I be real? I absolutely am in love with the woman that I am becoming! I am at the point in my life where I truly understand the phrase “everything happens for a reason”. My college career has brought about some of the hardest years of my life, but I am beginning to see the fruits of my labor. Don’t get me wrong, everything isn’t perfect. My current job ends in September and I don’t have another job yet, I’m still single, I have pimples on my face, and I’m not at my desired weight but I am so content with my life.
I have the most beautiful friends and family, really, I do! I live with one of my best friends. I am close with my family. I have a wonderful job. I finally have my anxiety and depression under control, my lace front is poppin’, I’m losing weight, I’m eating more healthily, and I’m as confident as Beyonce herself!
A year or two ago, I never thought I’d be at this place in my life. I was so unhappy, so worn out, and so hopeless that I thought I’d never have anything better. Honestly, I didn’t feel like I deserved any better. Those times were rough, but I do feel that it was all worth it. Every struggle, every hardship, every tear that I shed was put towards the brighter days ahead.
So if you’re at a place where it feels like things can’t get any worse, the truth is that it might, but it will also get better! Even if the only thing that changes is your attitude, it will get better!
To be honest, there was a very extended period of time when my most prominent personality traits were anxiety and depression. The clothes that I wore were planned around the portrait that my anxious and distorted mind convinced me was my own. The hairstyles that I chose would cover my face and the hair colors that I flaunted would be so bright that I thought that I could hide behind the glare of light it created. There would be days, weeks, and sometimes months where I’d seclude myself from the world convinced that it was better without me. My body would physically ache in reflection my broken soul, and a broken soul was all that I was.
My everyday life consisted of at least one anxiety attack, the week couldn’t end without a panic attack, and any time that my heart wasn’t racing, it was sinking in a pit of despair. Being alone all the time is scary for most people, but to be truthful, the more time that I spent by myself, the more that I got to know myself. I understood not only myself but also my beliefs and my personal connection with my keeper. I am a proud Christian, so understanding my spirituality was also a very large component of my identity. I realized that I was so unhappy with my life because I wasn’t living it. I was being held captive by my disorders and I needed to find the thing or things that would help me regain control over my life so that ultimately I could relinquish control. My anxiety was fueled by my constant need to control every aspect of my life, the depression was ignited by my failure to do so. Once I could negate this way of thinking, I could live my life and be okay with the fact that I am not in ultimate control of everything in my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I am formally diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depression but I am not defined by these disorders. There are days when I feel depressed and I still have anxiety and panic attacks for seemingly no reason or when I’m in large crowds, but I am no longer a sliver of personality hidden behind the persona that my disorders created. I am finally back on the track to becoming the woman who I was truly meant to be and she is pretty damn amazing.
Photo by: Matthew Hendricks (@mcbutterz00)
Peace, Love, Soul, and Emerithing in between,
Em