How did I pray while being prey?

Praying as prey.

Because there is no other way

To be sure;

And or endure.

Open eyes and heart

In meditation.

Giving honor, praise,

And adoration.

So that this earthen vessel may be filled

With all that God has willed.

Nothing more or nothing less.

For it is the faithful servant who God will surely bless.

I have been reflecting on ALL the times that I was STRONGLY URGED to pray.

While in reflection, God illuminated the common thread of my prayers while under attack... physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Those prayers are truly my saving grace, to this day. 

I’ve been careful not to share those prayers because of the circumstances under which they happened.

Circumstances are the natural book covers that we are all so easily distracted by.

However, the truth is that,

Where I’m at is where I’m at. 

And guess what? 

God is here with me, just as is God there, where you are at.

God is omnipresent. Welcome.

I laid my head down on the desk in my 1st period class just to get a little rest.

But the next thing I remember, is being wheeled away to the nurses office. 

My eyes were open and I was breathing but I couldn’t move.

I was there but scarily silent and still.

After that experience, I promised myself that if I ever felt that way again,

I would say or do something about it.

My eyes were closed and I was upside down. I was screaming and there were bricks scraping against my abdomen.

For a second I wondered where I was at,

then I realized that I was here... or there that is.

So I started screaming no, because this is THAT promise, I know!

I kicked my legs and swung my arms but I was upside down so my efforts proved to be futile. 

My ears were ringing and somehow it sounded like I was under water...

but I could hear leaves rustling in the distance...

so I screamed a little louder and attempted to swing myself back up right...

but he pushed me back down...

this time I was silent and still again...

but then there were those foot steps that I heard...t

his time he heard them, too and got off of me. 

Several figures emerged on the trail giggling and laughing.

And so I thought, Thank you God!

I’m saved, this time I screamed, so I am safe...

I was out of breath and in pain so I was still and silent as the people walked by without acknowledgement.

I remember thinking could you not hear me?

Was I not loud enough?

Why are y’all walking past me!?

I’m right here.

Help me!

Please, please don’t walk away!

Unfortunately, no one, but God heard me that day. 

God said, 

Emeri, move. 

So I crossed over myself with my left foot and then my right in order to change direction and took off running in flip flops that were far too big for my feet and not appropriate for a hiking trail.

As soon as my feet started moving, the tears started flowing. 

He came right after me, though.

In my ear the entire time…

Where do I reside?

Living whole... 

not living in a hole. 

Lol.

I love being happy. 

For me, the start of happiness is the recognition of the gift of joy.

You have to recognize it, in order to receive it. 

I consciously choose to recognize joy every single day, which is the exact springboard that is necessary... for me, personally,

that does not mean that there is nothing outside of joy. 

I just choose to recognize that which brings me joy,

In order to be free,

 to be happy to enjoy life.

What if we can see ourselves?

Stop looking to each other for guidance.

Look to God.

The gospel fact is that God exists in each of us, so rely on that.

At a very young age,

I acknowledged the fact that I could bear a massive bounty of burdens with Christ. 

I think my faith in God brings out insecurities in others.

I tend not to lean on man for support because man has hurt me time and time again.

I have no malice towards man, for I understand that mortality is an imperfect being.

In times of trial and tribulation,

I look only to God for comfort because I know that it is He and He alone that can help to bring me through....

But it doesn’t work the other way around for some strange reason.

No matter how many times I try to make this love a requited one,

It just doesn’t quite equate that way in the end.

Others confide in me in hard times,

and I fully accept the responsibility of helping to usher them through the darkness,

and my only option is to lean on the everlasting arms of the Lord. 

1 John

See the light 

Be the light

Free the light

God of comfort. 

God of love.

Guide me from your light above.

You care for me as if I were thine own, promised never to be left alone.

Love me, 

guide me,

and vow that you will never lie to me.

Hide me, 

provide for me, 

and say that you will never get tired of me.

By now, I hope that you know that nothing is impossible.

Even when it looks like there is no way out, there is always a way up.

Luna’s story…

The Story of the Moon

Possess: to be born with, to be endowed with, to be blessed with.

I have an ache in the palm of my hand that pulls so hard, I can feel the strings of the puppeteer tugging away at my life force.

This ache that steals my breath...

My body trembles with fear like there’s a gun being held so close to my head that I can hear the slight hesitation in your trigger finger, bang... it hurts... 

not at bad as the hole in my soul but it still stings... my ears ring so loud that I might think the liberty bell resides in the little town in my head, bang... goes my ear drums as they give out due to this torturous sound.... 

Frozen in time, my body stood floating in gaping despair.

De(bt)pth

There is depth in color.

You can not organize the human race.

We cannot be categorized or sorted neatly from A to Z.

Last name first comma first name, first name first comma last, a beginning and end with no blank space left for your middle initial/

which is interesting when you consider that the Alpha and the Omega has taken care of both the end and the beginning so we are really only left with what lies in between (the middle initial)/

Lack of information leads to frustration/

A relationship without trust leads to manipulation/

Which is the ultimate devastation of any situation/

I am not a distraction, I am not a temptation.

I am seeking only that, which is of salvation.

Self medication via meditation…

I haven’t always been good at striking poses,

honestly you’d get a much better portrait of me if you captured me in motion...

My emotional range isn’t that of a tea spoon.

It’s more of a monsoon.

Rationalization is not the cure for the common cold.

Realization makes you aware of the symptoms of the cold/

Even immunization still leaves you susceptible to that very same cold.

(I thank God)

I am grateful for depression because I feel like it’s just a label to a certain sort of expression.

It is the ability to introspect yourself into a layer of Dante’s inferno…

but every action has an equal but opposite reaction. 

(I thank God)

I am so grateful for this gaping pit of despair because when I make it back to my solid foundation,

I understand that there is some sort of reciprocation...

I can fly!

I can think of scenarios that are on the level of only SpongeBob’s imagination.

Dreams, desires, and divine intervention/

Woe unto you who preaches a lie,

Only fools think that they are wise when telling lies…

What is a curse, but a blessing in disguise?

A blessing is always a blessing to those who are wise.

God gave us voices to vocalize.

Constant introspection is only a deception of the enemy.

We have to begin to really utilize all of our supplies.

Consistency is a constant clog in the drain of divisive and tumultuous toxins welded together into a mock vessel that is not comparable to the materials that God used to create His own mold...

When will niggas understand that if you’re caught up in lust,

then you’re automatically in your feelings?

That’s just the truth of the matter. 

If finding a fuck is in focus then you’re bound by worldly pleasures piddo.

So no, fucking bitches doesn't make you as hard as you think. 

Instead, you’ve been proving all along that you’re as soft as a cone of ice cream.

Automatic ass tasks.

You’re done with dreaming, forever fantasizing about a fuck to give or a father to save your life.

I’m tired of living a life where on any given day, another person can feel more entitled to my body than I do.

In order to negate the cycle, we must explore and express the evaluation of the cycle in itself.

I play dumb so often that it has become a nervous habit…

Today’s society has made our phones a last will and testimony.

I just want everyone to know that we don’t have to communicate with each other via divine intervention or telepathy....

I appreciate where you were at on Sunday.

The point is that you’re here.

I don’t care how you got here.

We all had to get here some kind of way, but that isn’t the point.

The point is that we are all here.

We all have to get here so we can go.

Together. His people.

Together as people. 

Is this the happiness that y’all have been looking for?

Is bliss the peace of mind you’ve been longing for?

The pressure of the chip on your shoulder is as great as the depths of the ocean floor.

Alleviate unnecessary added pressure.

I thank God for panic attacks.

If it weren’t for a brief moment of hysteria following a slightly stressful situation,

I’m pretty sure I would have several misdemeanor (and maybe even federal) charges impending.... 

Panic attacks are literally the definition of yeeting the Devil.

The Holy Ghost will snatch you up so quickly that your shell of existence is left only to be occupied by that which exists outside of Him....

Anxiousness, loneliness, fear....

it is the time that passes following that moment that is ultimately scary.

Even though my spirit has remained fully intact, my body died for a brief moment...

what is time experienced in despair?

It is an eternity,

a lifetime of emptiness...

only to be cut short by His saving grace.

My writing makes me seem horribly depressed...

but it’s important to remember that I am filled with joy.

I have been blessed with the gift of hope.

Yes I do struggle with depression and that is reflected in my writing...

but I live a life filled with love, growth, and laughter. 

Just because I can rationalize a symptom, that doesn’t make it go away.. 

If you have to say something aloud to someone else,

I can guarantee that it is you, yourself, who needs to hear it the most.

A house is not a home,

inside a head,

atop of a body,

which exists in a space,

in the universe,

and so and and so forith.

Birthday fakes.

I heard how you said it long before you realized how you meant it.

It’s like y’all need me to be happy so badly that when I’m alone,

I feel like I have no choice but to live in sadness as a place of reprieve.

People are scared to do something new because it doesn’t always bring a multitude of views.

How do you delete a space?

I’m not looking for someone to blame,

I’m trying to find a way to fix it...

what I can,

that is... 

I told you that I will always make things right if you keep moving along.

Why were you trying to figure out where you went wrong?

By now, I hope that you know that nothing is impossible.

Even when it looks like there is no way out, there is always a way up.

I tried to rationalize a rape.

I’ve spent so many days Day dreaming that I have night visions

Visual flashbacks and physical flashbacks

It’s just a matter of time, we kind of have to let it happen because God is going to make it happen. 

What space does the soul inhabit while you sleep?

Where does the soul cycle during sleep?

I never wanted you to leave. I always wished that you could stay. It’s so hard to walk away. But today is a new day.

The sun shines so bright on the south side of Chicago.

Summer’s cycle, cycle on, motorcycle ride along, hands on his waist, longing for a taste, but sweet temptation will never sway fate./

Who pulled the trigger?

I have this ache that steals my breath...

My body trembles with fear…

like there’s a gun being held so close to my head,

that I can hear the slight hesitation in your trigger finger,

BANG... it hurts... 

Not at bad as the hole in my soul but it still stings...

my ears ring so loud that I might think the liberty bell resides in the little town in my head,

BANG...

Goes my ear drums as they give out due to this torturous sound.... 

I have an ache in the palm of my hand that pulls so hard,

I can feel the strings of the puppeteer tugging away at my life force.

I told you that I will always make things right if you keep moving along.

Why were you trying to figure out where you went wrong?

I haven’t always been good at striking poses,

honestly you’d get a much better portrait of me if you captured me in motion.

Who needs love?

Listen to the bi-laws of this Holy temple.

Honor His great and divine word.

Be a witness to His holiness.

And His mercy shall endure.

My curves entered a covenant of celibacy to undo the coercion of each cryptic caress.

My mind is manifesting motion so full of devotion that it magnifies the most majestic of messiahs.

It’s like looking through the rear view window.

Like reading the little disclaimer on the bottom that reads... things may seem bigger than they appear.

Did I say that?

A word cleanse…

I have to keep reminding myself to listen to what I am saying...like really do any of us actually hear what we are saying?! 

I KNOW that have been so scared to hear myself, because I have nothing left to say but the truth... 

I have a potty mouth... why I have a potty mouth is a tangent that I am currently exploring while taking a can of scrubbing bubbles to the situation... 

...in less colorful terms, God is helping me to understand my own words and the power behind them... I have been a writer my entire life... 

(you’ll catch me saying that about a lot of things, but it’s the truth.)

I believe that I have always been pulled towards communication in general, but my love of words was definitely reinforced by my mother. Mom loves books and big words!!! True story, my mom would express her disdain with us with very precise word choice...it’s actually terrifying.

That really fueled the fire that is my nerd love of all things wordy! That, and I used to read the Bible daily as a kid...which is a whole other childhood tangent...

Anyways, I love words so much, and what not, but I’m depressed and anxious AF! I have plethora of mental health disorders to attend to, so my words have gotten a bit jumbled up over the course of life with these disorders... so I’m rediscovering a lot, and one of those things is actually hearing wtf I’m actually saying... like really...

WE TELL ON OURSELVES! HUMANS ARE CREATURES OF PROJECTION! If you’re mean to yourself, I know it cause you mean to me too... AND VICE VERSA!!!! 110/100 times if you feel the need to really assert your opinion into/onto anyone or anything *leans in closely*  then it is YOU, YOURSELF! (The person who’s opinion it is) who needs to hear it the most!!! 

*drops mic*

Im going to leave that there and say, this Lenten season, I gave myself away. I have noticed that I basically verbally abuse myself in my head and that probably isn’t healthy. God is helping me with it though... by changing my language, by changing the way that I communicate, and so much more...

We know that life is balance and truly everything is one in the same... so when I have been speaking, I have been trying to listen to what I’m saying and be conscious and intentional with my words, just as my mother taught me... and I’ve been telling on myself... have you? 

Bold =  a state of mind or perspective.

The words are the verbal manifestation of the state of mind or perspective!

Manic | Optimistic | Subjective | Mental

“Things could get worse, but they are going to get better.”

Depressed | Realistic | Objective | Physical

“Things could get better, but they are going to get worse.”

Instead of being proud, remember to be thankful, joyful, overjoyed, glad...

Narcissus | Self-concerned

I am proud.

Empathisus | Selfless

I am overjoyed, I am glad.

M?

The string theory.

If my sister and brother are the needle, then I am the thread.

(Points/particles on any given line/thread)

A repost of out of respeck…

We all made fun of birdman for asking us to put some respeck on his name but truth is my man was just ahead of his time. 2018 is the year of putting some respeck on our names. I’m sick and tired of everybody thinking that there is only one truth of the matter. There are 5 kabillion life forms in this world and only the Lord knows how many in what ever universe this is...and every single one of them deserves respect!

But here is where we start to get carried away...we become overprotective of the respect that we feel that we deserve which is in essence an insecurity. And that insecurity can change an entire world. Respecting someone else, does not endanger your own self worth. The two should not be linked but we see instances of insecurities driving people to destructive behavior on a daily basis: with something as “small” as bullying. Bullying is nothing but an individual projecting an insecurity. It is a very harmful form of communication that exists in our everyday lives... so what else in our lives is rooted in insecurities?

if you get what I’m saying then know that now is the time to realize that just because I love myself doesn’t mean that I don’t love you just as much. I’m a human who feels just like you, my security sometimes  feel threatened at all times...some people call that generalized anxiety disorder...I call it the consequences of not being given the respect that I deserved as a human for most of my life... 

as a little black girl my support system was turned into a vortex of doom that shattered any form of self love budding in my youthful soul... as a black adolescent my body began to flourish and blossom in ways that I didn’t understand. The scent of my soon-to-be-flower lured in the busiest of bees for a suckle of my honey...the realization that I was still a bud allowed for premature devastation that I’m still seeing the side effects of as a strong Black woman..

But I’m not mad though...

because at the end of the day I understand the consequences of your insecurities were the circumstances, the fertilizer of you will, the photosynthesis that allowed me to garner the strength to conquer my own lack of security. So like Birdman said with his arms folded and lips in a pout, put some respect on my name cause I damn sure put some on yours.

Window choppin’…

The life and compositions of Ferderic Chopin can be summed up with the quote “music isn’t music if you can’t dance to it”. When you really think about it, dancing is a response to music or sound. Sound can be so moving that it causes you to physically or emotionally respond. Chopin had a way of making sure that all of his music moved people both physically and emotionally.

Chopin was a very emotional and unique individual. It has been speculated that he spent most of his life in a tumultuous relationship with a woman, which would be quite the contribution to his life of emotional turmoil. In fact, he and Amantine Lucille Aurore Dupin were said to have spent time in a dark castle while Chopin was battling a stint of tuberculosis. 

Chopin’s emotions heavily poured into his music. His sensitivity is what helped him gain traction in the upper echelon of society. Onlookers would praise his privacy and demur but astonishing talents, which ultimately led to him being invited to perform all over the world. As he toured Europe presenting his works, he grew fond of performing two particular forms of composition, the Mazurka and the Waltz. 

Chopin grew fond of composing and performing mazurkas due to his Polish background. As he was touring these vastly different worlds, performing mazurkas kept him rooted in his feelings for his homeland and his people.

Almost all of his compositions were written for solo piano, which can be seen as a sincere reflection of his feelings of isolation and loneliness. Chopin choosing to compose almost entirely for the piano opened the door for brilliant pianists to follow him and allowed greater understanding of the pianist, and even artist, in itself. 

Chopin was in his prime during a time where emotional strife was swept under the rug. Even so, Chopin still chose to write music that was both physically and emotionally moving for himself and so many others. He essentially used his composition as his therapy, his music was nothing more that what truly resides in him. His Waltz compositions are still some of the most popular waltzes to date. Chopin’s Waltzes have remained timeless because they make your heart flutter with romantic quality while you float around the room in a three step fashion.

To take it a step further than that, Chopln had a way of having your thoughts dancing around your mind. He was an intriguing individual, to his partner, to his friends, and to the world in itself. 

Somewhere orbiting Saturn…

Those days that are sunny are my favorite/

The mundane days that follow seem to drag on for forever/

By today I’m too tired to function and I’m already growing weary of the next day to come/

The thought of tomorrow roars like the god of thunder himself with the frightening crash of light that is soon to follow/

I made it to the end, and now I’m looking up to the sky in hopes that there is some sort of planetary alignment to help explain it all/

I look up on those sunny days and the sky shines rings of light like Saturn/

I’m dazed. I am dazed/

I’m weak. I am weak/ 

I’ve grown weak and dazed from the ins and outs of these week days/

I’m weak and I’m dazed/

Trill $ drill…

All they can see is new money instead of an old soul with common sense.

Every bit of my coin is for a thousand loaves of bread.

10 thousand fish swimming, 10 thousand more fists moving the ether.

Metamorphosis of this metaverse, one of mother earth’s many tricks.

Inverse of triangulation, the diameter of the radius is exposed.

Lunette’s stretch reaches from the earth to the sky, to infinity and beyond.

Her flexible nature allows earth’s creation the adequate time and space for us all to inhale… and exhale.

Honey, I’m home…

Heart, open my eyes.

There is no need to blink twice.

We are not in need of taking a double portion.

Open my mind, allow my soul to wander effervescently.

Here in the safety of His arms.

Following the foot steps of his guidance.

My ears hear His footsteps, His eyes see my light.

He reminds me that Joy comes as we see the light of our own humanity.

Everyone, everybody, everything,

Every soul is whole is together.

Dreamt...

What is the only word in the English language that ends ‘mt’?

In the language of my heart, this word does not exist.

Why does the concept of a dream ending feel so empty?

Perhaps, because dreaming is a state of reality.

We are light...

Does the light blind you?

Have you journeyed through the darkness and found light?

How does the light shine through you and darkness?

Do you exist in light of the darkness and harness, the power of more than two?

Are you worried that the light can see you and is behooved to change you?

I am speaking to who that you are because you seem to be unaware that this is what you are supposed to do.

Spirit absolutely exists inside of you…

The spirit is everything. The spirit is the sole property of humanity.

The spirit belongs to all identities.

Being a human is the absolute.

Spirituality that creates humanity.

How to be great...

Why hate?

Hate is a cowards way of saying hard to love.

Hate is lazy.

Hate is having to explain what does not need an explanation.

Thus hate is attempting to negate love.

Let’s stop adding onto what was created pure for us.

Let’s just love, piddo.

I am not spoken for. And yes, that is a Declaration of Independence.

Show and Tell Time...

Welcome to show and tell time!

Show and tell is the start of something new.

This is a safe place where,

We all can,

Praise God!

In spirit and not to be proud,

Sing aloud,

Flip around,

Dance like David ,

Not be labeled,

Just to be grateful!

And show what we are truly made of...

Love!

Creative Blocks...

I think that we should be more patient with ourselves when experiencing creative blocks.

A creative block occurs when the majority of your brains processing power has been diverted to the logical hemisphere of our minds.

Perhaps, we should be patient and allow the necessary processing time for both the creative and logical hemispheres of our brain to work together in order to process all of the information that we intake.

Before Carly, there was Amanda...

I love the nickelodeon TV series iCarly.

In fact, I was inspired to watch iCarly because I enjoyed watching the Amanda Show.

Amanda Bynes starred in the Nickelodeon series, The Amanda Show.

The series was a children led sketch style comedy show.

Amanda led us through various scenes of the show that may or may not be related with a witty and bubbly comedic tone.

I’ve been obsessed with owning webspace since Amanda proudly told her audience to go to www.Amandaplease.com.

Television shows like iCarly and Kim Possible helped to further my obsession with having a corky online domain of my own.

Speaking of Kim… OH. MY. Raven Baxter.

Define: Realm...

What space does the soul inhabit while we sleep?

Possess: to be born with, to be endowed with, to be blessed with.

Frozen in time, my body stood floating in gaping despair.

You’re done with dreaming, forever fantasizing about a fuck to give or a father to save your life.

I pray that those who are innocent are vindicated and that those who are guilty are freed.

Black man, stand solid on His strong foundation.

I never wanted you to leave.

I always wished that you could stay.

It’s so hard to walk away.

But today is a new day🙏🏽.

The upside down is a metaphor for depression.

(Remember I described my feeling as being upside down?)

What is an example but a living sacrifice?

We kind of have to let it happen because God is going to make it happen.

If you have to say something aloud to someone else,

I can guarantee that it is you,

yourself,

who needs to hear it the most.