Word Cleanse: Sad or Depressed?
Watch what you say... We’ve normalized “You know what I mean” or “y’nah mean?” so heavily that I don’t know what anyone means anymore... so here’s what’s been on my mind...
Sad or Depressed?
There is a difference.
Here it is.
Sad(ness):
1.
adjective
feeling or showing sorrow; unhappy.
2.
INFORMAL
pathetically inadequate or unfashionable.
"the show is tongue-in-cheek—anyone who takes it seriously is a bit sad"
Sadness is a feeling. We all experience it.
Depress(ed)(ion):
adjective
(of a person) in a state of general unhappiness or despondency.
(of an object or part of an object)
in a physically lower position, having been pushed or forced down.
Depression is state of mind.
Depression comes from being consumed by the feeling of sadness.
Once you are consumed by something, you have been swallowed… wholly.
When you are consumed by anything, it becomes your state of being…your state of mind, where things naturally come to order.
Depression is usually referred to as a disorder because we presume that the normal order or the most ideal state of mind is happiness…
However,
At this point, I’ve heard FAR too many people claim depression to presume that happiness is normal.
Unless the order is depression and the disorder is happiness, then, I think that some people are feeling sadness NOT experiencing depression.
As a matter of fact, please don’t forget that just because something is normal, that doesn’t mean it’s okay.
Don’t get me wrong, feeling sad is a serious matter. I want my siblings that are feeling sad to get back on the happy train, too.
However,
to my family that is being consumed by so much sadness, that their default state of mind is a depressed state of mind... well we’ve got some work to do!
No lie, I have felt sadness that has turned into an experience of depression.
So, I am high key talking to myself when I say this...
You don’t have to claim depression as the state of your mind.
You are experiencing depression and that is real,
But, there are more feelings.
There is happiness, love, anger, jealously, and so much more... just keep going through the sadness that you’re feeling and come out of depression.
I know that it sounds like an unfeasible journey, but, I promise that you will get there.
Honestly, I still do feel sadness but it doesn’t consume me anymore.
I am really excited because experiencing life outside of depression is a new space for me.
So, even if the tides have turned and happiness is the disorder… then I would much rather be part of the minority than the depressed majority.
I’m grateful to have made it out of that state of mind, never to go back. I know that with love, strength, the grace of God and the power of effecting coping mechanisms… it really is possible feel sadness and still choose to be happy.
Peace. Love. and,
remember to live whole(e).
Emi
Living Whole(E): Pronounced "living holy".
2 CORINTHIANS 4:7-9
I am a really chill person. Because I am so chill, I have gotten in the habit of letting people assume what they’d like about me.
Reason being: I know who I am and your assumptions will never change that.
NO THING can change me! Only THE MAKER (God) can/has the ability to MAKE people change.
It is really great to be so secure in myself.
However, y’all got me absolutely f’d up with some of these outlandish fabrications.
Recently, God blessed me with the realization that I was given a voice to share MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES! MY OPINION! MY PERSPECTIVE! ME! (because that’s what I was put on this earth to do).
The great news about this seemingly selfish en-devour is that by sharing my story maybe it will help to shed light on what is usually kept in the dark.
We all have many shared experiences that never get brought into light…well God says that this little light of ours shines far too bright for that!
Living Whole(E) is a timeline of my journey through various therapies and forms of healing. It is about me being wholly me while on the path to becoming my better self.
(I’m also from Chicago, so the term “whole” has another sentimental tone/value)
Over the past several years, God has blessed me with immense growth through meditation, prayer, conversations, movement, and so much more.
My journey here is to present effective life coping mechanisms in a new light. One that can be passed on like a torch or a beacon of light…
And you know what’s great about the light?!
There are infinite interpretations of it!
Free Will
It is hard to move when you’re given a straight an narrow path to work within.
I believe that is why God gives us free will.
It is easy to stay on the path when straight forward directions are given.
When we’re each given a little bit more room to roam freely, that is when life happens.
It gets easier for the breath to flow freely in various direction and momentum as life goes on.
The human imprint is, indeed, flexible.
Free will.
Praying as Prey
I have been reflecting on ALL the times that I was STRONGLY URGED to pray. Two specific circumstances came to mind… *Trigger Warning.
While in reflection, God illuminated the common thread of my prayers while under attack... physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually…
To this day, those prayers are truly my saving grace.
I’ve been careful not to share those prayers because of the circumstances under which they happened.
Circumstances are the book covers that we are all so easily distracted by.
However, the truth is that,
Where I’m at, is where I’m at.
And guess what?
God is here with me,
just as is God there,
where you are at.
God is omnipresent.
You are welcome.
I laid my head down on the desk in my 1st period class… just to get a little rest.
I hadn’t slept well in weeks. I was crashing on an air mattress here and someone else’s bed there. That day, the desk was the best place for a little rest.
The next thing that I remember is being wheeled away to the nurses office.
My eyes were open and I was breathing but I couldn’t move. I was there but scarily silent and still.
Sleeping? Resting? Meditating? Praying?
I wasn’t sure.
After that experience, I surely promised myself that if I ever felt that way again, I would say or do something about it.
My eyes were closed and I was upside down. I was screaming and there were bricks scraping against my abdomen.
For a moment, I wondered where I was at, then I realized that I was here... or there that is.
So I started screaming…
because this is that promise, I know!
I kicked my legs and swung my arms but I was upside down so my efforts proved to be futile.
My ears were ringing and somehow it sounded like I was under water but I could hear leaves rustling in the distance...
so I screamed a little louder and attempted to swing myself back up right...but he pushed me back down...
this time I was silent and still...
but then there were those foot steps that I heard...
this time he heard them, too… so he got off of me.
Several figures emerged from the forest-y part of the trail. There was giggling and laughing…
some sort of semblance of joy.
I thought, Thank you God!
I’m saved!
This time I said something.
This time I moved! So I am indeed saved.
I was out of breath and in pain so I continued to be still and silent as the people walked by without acknowledgement.
I remember thinking…wait… wait for me!
Could you not hear me?
Was I not loud enough?
Why are y’all walking past me!?
I’m right here. Help me!
Help me, please!
Please, don’t walk away!
(Un)Fortunately, no one, but God heard me that day.
God responded and said,
Emeri, move.
So I crossed over myself with my left foot and took a step out with my right foot in order to change direction.
Then I took off running in flip flops that were far too big for my feet and not appropriate for a muddy hiking trail.
As soon as my feet started moving, the tears started flowing.
He came right after me. In my ear the entire time…
“What’s wrong?”
“Why are you crying?”
I could hear the panic in his voice as he realized that I was running for my life, that I was running away from him…
“You wanted it.”
“You shouldn’t have kissed me like that if you didn’t want this d***.”
“Don’t act this way,”
“Come back here, now!”
I never stopped moving, I refused to turn my head to the right or to the left. I neither looked back nor questioned where I was going because I knew that God was getting me out of this place.
Once I made it back to the place where we were to meet our friends… I went full on Stockholm syndrome. I was overcome with guilt, fear, and shame…
This time it wasn’t God who I heard saying my name… it was him… telling me that I wanted it… that it was my fault…
My only mistake was that, I believed him and all the many lies that he told me.
Instead of listening to God and the simple one word response that was given to me…
Blinded and deafened by guilt and shame, I hid it… from him, my family, my friends, and even myself.
I figured that he had to be my husband if God allowed him to enter my body in that way.
I thought that partners are supposed to protect each other…so I did what I thought I had to do in order to protect us, both.
That choice, that was made out of fear, guilt, and shame started a 4 year long journey where God revealed what being faithful to a fault looks like.
Caught up in a relationship where I was his prey so God urged me to pray.
Because there truly was no other way out of there.
Praying as Prey
Open eyes and heart
In meditation.
Giving honor, praise,
And adoration.
So that this earthen vessel may be filled
With all that God has willed.
Nothing more or nothing less.
For it is the faithful servant who God will surely bless.
Unplugging
Living Whole.
Back in July of 2018, I was so done with social interaction that I decided to take a deep look at my social media usage.
I wasn’t upset or unpleased with myself, as much as I was upset and unpleased with how much I was GIVING of myself.
It felt like there was a slow yet constant leak. That almost indescribable feeling ignited a determination to understand why I felt that way.
I started by mustering up the courage to cut it off! (Like a useless limb)
I thought to myself:
“NO MORE SOCIAL MEDIA! I am going dark.”
Please, try not to judge me. I tried to cleanse myself of social media before but simply deleting the apps off my phone just left me longing for crackhead style solutions.
By this time, I needed to remove myself from that space, entirely and sincerely, in order to better understand exactly why I was so displeased.
This time, in the height of my emotion, quitting cold turkey seemed like the best option...for me!
Side bar: For the first time in my life, I made a decision out of myself, solely for myself. I made a decision simply because what was inside of me told me to. I neither checked in with anyone else, nor considered anyone else... just me, just FOR me.
Once I was officially socially offline, I could finally check in, whole(e): pronounced as holy.
That’s where this story starts... at the bottom of this specific black hole...
LOL who would’ve thought that’s where I’d be shown my calling to live whole?
